Let Her Go
by erynion
Summary: Long after the funeral had ended, Oliver was still standing in front of the grave, alone, just the two of them. His eyes were fixed on the black letters engraved on the stone. Black letters as the last remainder of a great person that was no more. Black like her moniker. Black like the cloudy sky. Black like the unbearable pain of loss. (Set after episode 4x18)
**Although I'm familiar with the Arrowverse, this is the first story of Arrow I write. And probably the last. After last night's events, I fell in an spiral of hurt and betrayal and I'm not sure if there's anything they can do on the series to make up for it.**

 **But anyways, this is not the place to rant. So, to those of you who think like me, I hope you enjoy this story. And to those of you who don't, just don't read it.**

 **As usual, mistakes are mine but the show is not.**

* * *

 **LET HER GO**

 _Staring at the ceiling in the dark_

 _Same old empty feeling in your heart_

 _'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast_

 _Well you see her when you fall asleep_

 _But never to touch and never to keep_

 _'Cause you loved her too much and you dive too deep…_

Long after the funeral had ended, Oliver was still standing in front of the grave, alone, just the two of them. His eyes were fixed on the black letters engraved on the stone. Black letters as the last remainder of a great person that was no more. Black like her moniker. Black like the cloudy sky. Black like the unbearable pain of loss.

He remembered the first time he saw her. Another normal day in town with Tommy and the boys, laughing at jokes, displaying their masculinity in front of other women, showing them that they weren't children but attractive and irresistible young adults. It had been a surprise when one of those girls didn't pay them any attention. She had been with her little sister watching through a window the summer dresses of a store; she had continued doing the same after Oliver told her how her short yellow dress made her look like a Greek muse from Mount Olympus.

"Hey!" he had said after a while, ignoring Tommy and the other boys who had been trying to get out of here in search of other girls that acknowledged their compliments - he had always been too stubborn. "Are you deaf?"

"No, I'm not" she replied calmly, still not looking at him. "I just choose to ignore you"

Oliver could still remember how much he had furrowed his brows, to the point they actually _hurt_. But his pride had hurt more, and the little sister's cunning smile had felt like a sharp needle slowly piercing his skin.

"Why?" he replied, freeing his shoulder from Tommy's prudent hand.

Slowly, she and her sister separated from the glass and turned to look at him. Or at least the Greek muse, as he had called her, because the little sister's face had gone redder than a tomato after seeing his face. If things had been different, Oliver would have smiled and considered that some sort of victory.

"Because you're one of those guys who believes himself the center of the universe. And your friends there too" she added, looking at them for a moment before looking back at him.

"And who are you exactly?"

Then she had snorted and rolled her eyes with disbelief. "I'm just a girl".

She had shrugged her shoulders after that and turned around with her sister, leaving him standing like an _idiot_ in the middle of the street. His friends had attempted to cheer him up later, introducing him to some more beautiful girls worth flirting with, but that had been useless. Since that moment, that teenage Oliver hadn't been able to forget her. Her face, her beautiful eyes and her womanly figure. But also her guts, her resistance and her _insolence_.

Just a girl, she had said. What a girl, he had thought.

He had been surprised when he saw her in class the following Monday, but that fit every piece of the puzzle for him. At that moment, Oliver realized that that girl, the pretty one with the lovely dress, was also one of those that went unnoticed every other day.

But not for him. Not anymore. Oliver Queen was many things, and stubborn was one of them. Since that day, he had purposely went after her, trying to start a conversation with the lovely lady; even the insults were a victory, because that had meant she had paid him attention (kind of).

He couldn't remember when everything changed between the two, but he would always remember the day when the Greek muse and him, the rich and rebel boy, started dating, two years after noticing her for the first time. That was the very first day Oliver Queen had felt _whole_.

Of course, he ended up screwing things up in _too many_ different ways. There had been a Mary, an Anne, and also a Mary Anne, and then it had been Samantha. He had been so scared after that that he had remained faithful for the next year, but then, one day, he found himself entering Laurel's house at night through another girl's window, his heart beating faster than ever, too scared in case her father or Laurel heard him. And after that, the Queens' Gambit happened and everything had changed _forever_.

Oliver didn't move when he heard steps approaching him, a person giving him space but at the same time showing him his support. The newcomer stood next to him.

"I'm sorry I missed the funeral" he said solemnly.

"Zoom?" Oliver asked. He was concerned for his friend, of course, and after the last events he was more concerned than ever. Despite not getting the chance to meet the evil speedster in person, he knew he was too strong, even for Barry. But still his eyes couldn't leave the stone in front of him.

"Yeah"

"There was a time I would have thought this was my fault" he said. Barry hadn't asked him, and he wasn't sure he had wanted to say that out loud, but his mouth was faster than his brain. It had always been. "Now I know it's not my fault. It's my responsibility"

"Responsibility… to do what?" Oliver didn't miss the sensitivity in the speedster's voice.

"To end it" his voice didn't shake; it was full of a determination he hadn't had in a long time. "I'm gonna kill him." Of that he would make sure. Even if it cost him his life – that didn't actually matter, not anymore. Not to him, at least.

"Is there anything I can do?"

He could have completely opened his heart to his friend. He could have destroyed the mental barrier that had been keeping his _true_ feelings at bay. He could have crumbled. He could have asked for the hug he so desperately needed.

"I wanna be left alone"

"Okay"

One second later, Oliver heard a whoosh and he didn't need to look back to see that he was alone again. Slowly, he knelt in front of the stone and put a hand on the cold surface. With her last breaths, she had had time to confess her love for him one last time and to encourage him to go after his. It hadn't been until he had been taken out of the room, feeling helpless and terrified, when he had realized his had been in front of him the whole time.

Just like when they were teenagers.

Life wasn't easy, much less human feelings. Felicity was a part of him. It hurt him seeing her eyes looking at him those days, full of pain, betrayal and disappointment. Felicity had showed him a part of himself he didn't know it existed. She had reminded him what it felt like to be _normal_ , what it was to spend a relaxing Sunday brunching with the Hoffmans, how good the soft summer wind felt against the face when you were driving off into the sunset paying attention only to the road and your car. But that, he had realized, wasn't his life. It hadn't been his life since Lian Yu, and no matter what he did he would never have a _normal_ life again.

He wasn't just Oliver Queen. He was the Green Arrow. A vigilante looking to ensure the safety of a city full of normal citizens that didn't even suspect half of what happened everyday in their streets. Normalcy wasn't a part of him – and that was both a blessing and a curse. A blessing when everything turned out okay, when he could end the day as Oliver Queen, having beers with Thea, Diggle, Lyla and the rest of his friends, after another job well done. A curse when, no matter what he did, it wasn't enough.

Sometimes, life forced people to make sacrifices – and it was even worse with superheroes; maybe that was why his mouth had said that words in front of Barry. Maybe that had been an unconscious reaction to a _need_ of getting part of the weight off his back, a weight he couldn't take off in front of his team because he was the Green Arrow and he wasn't allowed to show vulnerability or _weakness_.

A silent tear fell from his face while his left hand moved inside one of the pockets of his trousers, searching for something. When he looked at it again, he couldn't help but smile. After so many years shooting criminals with arrows, it was hard to see there had been a time when that hadn't been his life.

A time when he had gone after the first girl he hadn't been able to get with just empty words and naughty looks.

A time when he had had to fight to get that girl to actually look at him and talk to him with words that weren't insults to his excessive manliness.

A time when hearing her laugh filled his world with light, and kissing her was the best medicine.

A time when he had thought, at least for some months, that she was _the one_.

Oliver closed his eyes, his right hand on the stone. That was the closest to her he could be now. In his nightmares, he had been reliving that fateful night when one of _his_ arrows had been used to do harm instead of good. Laurel hadn't been the only one hurt by that; everyone had been affected too. Himself included. He just didn't realize how much until he was seeing her seize, a few feet from him, but wasn't allowed to hold her hand and tell her she was gonna be alright – and yet he knew they would have been just empty words and vain promises. The same ones he had told Tommy not so long ago, when the light was fading from his best friend's eyes before his eyes got closed forever.

He had to repress the urge to squeeze the photo inside his fist; instead, he returned it to his pocket. Letting out the last silent tear, he got up and looked at the stone from above, his hands inside the pockets of his trousers. He thought one last time about how ironic it was that she had had time to confess his love for him but he hadn't managed to tell her on time how he truly felt.

"Fly high, pretty bird"

He was sure they would meet again, sooner or later. After all, he was as mortal as any other human being, metahuman or not. Until then, he would silently beg Tommy to look after her, wherever they were, and to wait for him. And one day, the three friends would be reunited again, with Shado and Moira too, and so would Oliver know that he was finally home.

As he was making his way to his car, a sparrow started singing the saddest of songs in the distance.

' _Cause you only need the light when it's burning low_

 _Only miss the sun when it starts to snow_

 _Only know you love her when you let her go_

 _Only know you've been high when you're feeling low_

 _Only hate the road when you're missing home_

 _Only know you love her when you let her go_

 _And you let her go._


End file.
